This is a bit of a different post for me, but it’s something that I have been dealing with for some time. I’m not really sure how to start or where to start. It started a few years ago and it escalated and recently it’s been something I wanted be in control of rather than it controlling me.
Okay so a few years ago I was in a really controlling relationship and I never spent my money. I was made to feel bad about it. So when that relationship ended I had a love/hate relationship with my bank account. Spending my money would make me feel bad about myself, I would feel really anxious. So anxious I convinced myself I didn’t need what I bought so then I would take it back. But going into the shop I would feel so anxious about going to the till and asking for a refund. Typing it out I know it doesn’t sound logical, but it was an internal battle.
Over time I got better and spent the money I earnt and gradually it got out of control. I spent money on things I didn’t need (and never use/wear) and spent it for the sake of it.
Whilst I still get anxious purchasing things now, it varies what level of anxiety I hit. But recently I decided to challenge myself. I had been spending money on unnecessary items and it didn’t always make me feel better. I would use spending money and buying things as a way to make me feel better. Always thinking of the next thing to buy 10 seconds after buying something. Or I would get home and want to take what I bought back. And it’s not healthy.
So I decided to take a month of not spending on unnecessary things. It was difficult I won’t lie. I genuinely went online shopping, put everything into my bag then excited the page. More than once. You might think this is crazy, I can buy whatever I want. But I wanted to prove to myself that I can spend rationally. Save my over flowing makeup storage and my bank account at the same time. And I am pleased to report that I achieved my goal. I spent rationally.
And what’s more I realised that buying to make myself happy doesn’t work. It has given me more of an insight to myself. That I am stronger than I thought and that I am no longer controlled by my need to buy. I even went shopping yesterday, the day of it being a month since I last bought spontaneously. But didn’t buy anything because I looked at items with a different eye. I feel more in control of what I am buying rather than being controlled by constantly wanting something new.
If you have made it this far, thank you for reading my ramblings! Until next time!