Growing up I was never someone who was naturally confident. I was shy and had zero self confidence. I over thought and over analysed everything and I never felt good enough. I would look at the girls around me and wonder why I couldn’t be more like them: prettier, loads of friends and super confident.
In junior school I would be teased by the boys, they used to make fun of how big my lips were. They called me fish lips, pulling back their own lips to make them bigger. Being 9 I couldn’t understand why they would make fun of my lips. My parents would just say to ignore it and that they’re only jealous. Which still didn’t make sense to me, why would they be jealous of my lips and convey it by making fun of me?!
In secondary school the bulling never really stopped. It just changed how it was conveyed. I have always been a small person, both in height and in size. I also have a high metabolism. So when other girls would comment on how skinny I was and how they wish they could eat and not put weight on, I was confused. They made it sound like being the size I was, was a bad thing. So I tried to combat being so skinny by trying to eat more and to put on weight, just so people wouldn’t comment on my size any more. But then the girls at school would notice and then comment on what I was eating. I then went from eating loads to not wanting to eat, even if I was hungry. At the time I never realised it was a form of bulling, to be constantly criticised for my size and what I eat.
I was never one of those girls who would wear makeup to school, or if I did it would be concealer, mascara and some powder. So when one of the girls I thought was my friend made a list comparing me to the ‘pretty’ girls, it hurt me more than I’d care to admit. Every aspect of myself was compared to them: what bag I had, how I did my hair and makeup (or lack of in my case). That was when my self confidence and self esteem really went downhill. It made me think that that’s what everyone saw and thought of when they’d see me.
Having zero confidence also affected the friendships I formed. I found it difficult to start conversations or to stick up for myself when arguments came about. I had few friends at school and couldn’t understand how some girls had such large groups.
Fast forward 5 years and I have learnt so many things about myself and my abilities. It took me a while to find my confidence and to accept myself for who I am. I don’t compare myself to others, and if I catch myself starting to self doubt/compare myself to others I simply think that I am never going to be that person. If their makeup looks good, it doesn’t mean that I can’t do my makeup just as good. Because I totally can.
Just because someone might have a negative opinion on my appearance, it doesn’t make them right and it certainly doesn’t give them the right to make me feel bad about myself. I have come a long way from the shy, unconfident girl I was at school. Back then I couldn’t imagine myself ever being confident about who I was and what I look like.
As for having a lot of friends, I still don’t. My circle is small and that’s okay.
It feels like being at school and a few years after it, didn’t really happen. I am so different to the person I used to be. Now I am confident, I can feel pretty with or without makeup and I stand up for myself. If I were to find myself in similar positions I was in a few years ago, I would react totally differently to how I did then.
People come in all shapes and sizes, each one different and all equally as beautiful. Embrace the imperfections. Just because someone may have a negative opinion on of a persons appearance doesn’t make them right, it makes them a dick.
Something that took me a while to learn is to admire someone else’s beauty without questioning my own.
I hope that in a few years to be even more confident and not to care about my body hang-ups. Thank you so much for reading! What is your favourite thing about yourself? Mine would be my lips, if only my 9 year old self knew that 10 years later they’d be a thing people pay money to acquire!
Until next time!